I was out the other night and I overheard one side of a conversation that I thought was strange. But mostly hysterical. I here this woman saying stuff like:
"I'm really active in church now. I went the other night to practice with my praise team. I'm working on a praise dance."
Ummm........what? Praise team? What are the try-outs like for this team? Do you have to be the best at prayer? What if you suck at prayer, do you get picked last? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? Oh, and the praise dance! Don't get me started......don't EVEN get me started.
"I just love God, he's so sweet!"
Sounds like she's talking about her new boyfriend, not the creator of the universe. (if you believe that shit!) Pure comedy. The ass kicker? The people she was talking to didn't seem to be at all phased by this. Where are the men in white coats when you need them?
I really need to read a book. I'm feeling my brain mass breaking off and flushing out my nose. Must. Read. Something. Ok, so perhaps as soon as Kris returns Infinite Jest, I will tackle that. I've only heard good things about this book, so.........
Plus, if I open my life to the written word, maybe I'll be more interesting. Like I won't always have to write about Yoga, dreams or stupid annoying people. Although I do have to report that the girl next to me in class this morning was yoga-farting. Luckily it didn't leave an aroma. She was all red in the face though. I pretended like I didn't hear it. Poor thing.
But the most important thing is that this is a super short week. Our office closes at noon on Wednesday. Two and a half days of work. Then Thanksgiving and then Ian and I are off with our new favorite couple friends to South Lake Tahoe. We are going to stay in a groovy condo. And the highlight is that we're going to the Kathy Griffin concert. She is the funniest redhead alive.......next to me and Shannon of course. Shannon is one half of the excellent new couple we will be hanging with. So, redheads unite! Me, Shannon and Kathy Griffin. Woo Hoo!!!
So, we're having dinner with a friend last night and a couple of things happened. I will put them under the heading of Stupid Human Tricks.
There was a very drunk guy sitting at the bar. We noticed that he was grabbing at the hostess and just being generally a bad drunk. At one point our friend went to the lavatory which left Ian and I kind of facing the drunk guy. Ian looked over at me and said, "I'm trying not to make eye contact." Then we look up and he's standing at the table leaning down to talk to us.
Drunk: Can I ask you a question? (looking at Ian.)
Ian: Okay.
Drunk: (slurring every word in a thick Australian accent.) What do you think of her? (pointing at the hostess) Is she hot or not?
Ian: I have no comment.
Drunk: (angry and really slurred.) That is so fucking British!
He just walked away and quietly left the bar.
Before we left the restaurant, I went to the lavatory. The door was locked to the room labeled, "Ladies." I waited about five minutes when a man walks out. I looked at him and then glanced up at the sign. Only because I thought I'd been waiting at the wrong door. Not because I was being sassy. He gave me a dirty look and said, "What? You got a problem?" I was all, "................." Yeah, I know, I'm a badass! I slipped into the bathroom and locked the door.
I have a new favorite band. The Soundtrack Of Our Lives. Ian and I saw them at Bimbo's last night. They were so rock-n-roll. The kind of stage presence that you long for at a live show. At first I was hanging on the side of the crowd and not really feeling the power of the music. As soon as I moved to the front of the stage I got high off the energy that radiated from these musicians. They weren't just great performers, they were great musicians. The music is pure and solid and full of emotion. I'm not a music expert. All I know is what I see and how it makes me feel and this band made me feel alive.
Here's a funny conversation that Ian and I had last night. It will be funniest to those of you who are music experts or are big fans of SOOL.
Ian: I've known every song so far.
Me: Whoa, that's so cool. I recognize a few.
Ian: I think they've played everything from Behind the Music.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Ian: haha. That's the name of the album! (I thought he meant the VH-1 show. He knew it, that's how well we know each other.)
Me: (smile leaves, embarrassment sets in.) oh.
Ian: (grabs me and hugs me.)
Ian and Me: hahahaha.
A wonderful night. I'm still high from it. I can still see the happy Ian face when I close my eyes.
I know all I ever talk about these days is yoga. It’s just that every time I go to class something funny or interesting occurs.
Today we were sitting on our mat at the beginning of class with our eyes closed and our instructor started going on and on about the perineum, AGAIN. I mean, I love this area just as much as the next guy but jeez…..can we talk about something else? Well apparently we can. Today he spoke of the “pubic area.” He said, “Draw the breath directly from the place where the pubics are.” Oh Lord, he talks funny. And mine doesn’t actually breathe. Is it broken?
He said, “Now breathe into the four corners of the perineum. The diamond. Lift it up through your body and into your spine.” Ok, I really tried to do this. I swear. I was squinting my eyes and holding my breath and focusing on my diamond. Then I realized something. Since this is an abstract instruction, I could just sit there all smug and pretend that my perineum was resting on my spine. Who would know the difference? No one, that’s who. In fact MY perineum was actually all the way up to my throat. That’s how focused and yogariffic I am. Ppppbbbbbttttttttt!
Oh, and he kept saying feets. “Plant your feets firmly on your mat.” Feets. Yoga plural is funny.
Will I ever learn? Just because I open the door for someone and smile at them doesn't give me the right to get mad when they walk past like royalty. Not a word. No acknowledgment. It does however add to my dislike for the oblivious humans that surround me. Granted, opening the door for someone is a selfless act, so I should be able to feel good inside when doing this girl scoutish deed. But instead I'm thinking, "Umm..........YOU'RE WELCOME, asshole."
I could just not ever hold the door open for anyone ever again. But there are those times when you look back over your shoulder and you can see that the next human will be crushed by the door if you don't grab it and hold it open. They're in another world. It is these people who somehow feel privileged to not open their own door. Were they raised by someone who scurried about opening every door for them? I think from now on, I am going to just see what happens if I don't open the door. Will they smash into the door? Only then can they understand the magnitude of the kindness I'm providing them. And perhaps they can step out of their oblivion long enough to say, "Thank you."
Or maybe I can get a life and stop obsessing about stupid shit like this. Hmmmm, now there's an idea.
I'm with Kris. Who cares anyway? posted by The Closet Shopper at 9:13 AM
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
Last night we went to Bimbo's to see Neko Case and I would like to buy a vowel, because........O my god! She is flawless. And funny. And angelic. When she opens her mouth and throws back her head, a sound comes out that is unreal. Her voice is smooth and rich. She sounds like Patsy Cline and Brenda Lee combined. I could have listened to her for the rest of my life. She gave a super long encore which was fantastic. I found myself fighting back tears for most of the night. I actually did cry during one song. But you would have too, if you were there. And I laughed when she spoke of masturbating to nun music. She said, "This song is creepy, kind of like when you find yourself masturbating to nun music, you think, this is creepy but you can't stop doing it." So, I guess it was kind of like CATS. I laughed, I cried.........
When Ian and I are at shows, we usually squeeze our way to an open spot in the crowd, and then Ian stands behind me with his arms wrapped tightly around me. This is truly one of my most favorite things. I love it. Last night we were standing like this and a little tubby guy standing next to us was totally checking me out. There were a couple of things that made this strange. A) That I was standing so close to Ian being held so tight by him that I could have passed through him to the other side. So, I'm not available. And 2) The staring little man was with a gorgeous hottie of immense proportions. So, wtf? Maybe my ego is too big. Maybe he was just thinking, "How is it that he is holding her so tight and she hasn't morphed into his body?" But, I think he was checking me out cuz Ian said so, and guys know these things.
My girlfriends and I say that we are girls' girls at clubs. That is to say if a guy is clearly with a girl and he is shamelessly checking us out, we glare at him. You know, for the girl he's with. To show solidarity. Us fellow chicks got to stick together. Hail chickhood.
Oh blissful three day weekend. I was the only one I know who got to stay home yesterday. Besides the other people I work with, of course. I slept till 9:30 then I stayed in bed and watched TV. I then dragged myself out of bed to meet Ian and all his cool work mates for lunch. That was totally fun.
Then off for a bit of shopping. I found the coolest leopard coat. The ass kicker? Hot pink lining. OH, and it was wicked cheap. I took my friend there and she called it the hoochie store. She said, "Oh, you have to have a hoochie store. I have one in San Leandro, but this one is way closer. I'm so excited." See, you can always find at least one really cool item at the "hoochie store." The not so hoochie item. It's grand.
Then I was off to have a massage. A brutal yet wonderful massage. It's the kind of massage that leaves you somewhat pain free for a couple of weeks, but is extremely painful in the process. Luckily the masseuse is a friend so I can curse and call her names when it really hurts. Yesterday I told her that if she pushed on that spot on my arm again I was going to reach over and pinch her vagina clean off. We both laughed uproariously. Good times.
But sadly, I am back at work today. Just like the rest of you's. Two days off for Thanksgiving though. Wheeee!
I was getting my hair colored and cut last night. I overheard a conversation that I found strange, fascinating, dumb, and funny. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
I was sitting under the heat helmet chair thing and this girl was sitting next to me. One of the stylists walks by and says to this client:
Stylist: Hey bitch, how are you?
Client: (evil look…….no response)
So here I thought, whoa it’s on now. But then strangely, no fight broke out, just more strange conversation.
Stylist: Happy birthday, girl. Like, how old are you today?
Client: 33
Stylist: That’s cool.
Client: Yeah.
Stylist: What are you gonna do tonight? Cuz I’m a DJ at this bar and I’m spinning tonight. You should come down, here’s my card.
Client: That’s cool. I’m so down.
Stylist: We’re naming Tuesday nights at this club Tight Club.
Client: Tight. Oh that’s cool. I’m down with that.
Stylist: Yeah, like Fight Club. You know how they said the first rule of Fight Club is don’t talk about Fight Club? Well we’re putting on the flyers, the first rule of Tight Club is to totally talk about it, you know to get people to come out.
Client: That’s so funny. I’m so down with that.
I just kept waiting for the joke. Like, waiting for them to both start laughing or for one of them to say, “And…….scene.” None of which happened. I say, bring it on. It gives me something to write about. People are funny especially when they think they’re cool.
1. Did he actually say, "See how your stomach pushes out? Like a beer belly. Now just press your toes together and turn your heels slightly away from each other and get rid of "beerbellyasana". Beerbellyasana? You mean you can just add the suffix asana to anything and it's yoga language? How cool is that? I'm going to do it all day.
Soon I have to go to a classasana. I hate work classes, cause they're filled with retardasanas. Hee Hee. This is fun. We should all do this today. Are you with me?
2. We were getting ready to do handstands and the teacher said, "If you're having your menstrual cycle, just sit on your mat." What? And let all the other kids make fun of the bleeding girl? The freak with the bloody vagina? Hearing them say, "Look at the freaky bleeder sitting on her mat while we have fun standing on our hands." Oh no you don't. I'm not falling for that one. Nice tryasana.
To recap: Suck in your beerbellyasana, ya fat pig! And, if you're a bleeder, we will put you in the middle of the room while we point and laugh and stand on our hands.
Sometimes I sing little songs that I've made up. It's more of a chant really. Here's one. "I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything, except for you." Does this make me crazy? Or does the crazy make me crazy? I ponder this question often. Does that make me crazy?
Anyway, I have nothing to say. I've had nothing to say for days. I guess I should be grateful for things like, at least I don't live with my parents. Do you know that my family holds hands and prays before dining? Even at restaurants? Oh yes they do. The most embarrassing thing EVER. When I visit them I am reduced to that embarrassed teenager during these times. I roll my eyes and laugh and "pray" that people don't think I'm with this family. So, it's good that I live in California and they live in Texas. This reduces my restaurant embarrassment time with them.
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
