So it turns out that perhaps I have been suffering from a stomach flu instead of food poisoning. I was about to leave the office yesterday when Ian called me saying he felt awful and was going home. When I got home, I crawled over to the bed and touched Ian and he was on FIRE!!!. Not literally. It was pure comedy with me (Sick as a dog) trying to take care of Ian (Sicker than this dog). He had similar symptoms to mine minus the violent puking. Poor pughie bear. I was able to take care of him for a bit and then I passed out till around 5pm. When I woke up, I took care of him some more. His fever broke at about 9pm. Phew.
What a weird night. That is all for now. Ya'll have a nice day now, ya hear.
Thank you all for your concern. Sorry for the gross-out from the photo. My tooth is fine. The gum is fine, for now. Will check in 3 months to see if the surgery is necessary. Just brushed too hard. Me? Big drama queen. I may or may not tell you the funny thing that happened while I was at the Periodontist.
I got food poisoned on Saturday night by a slice of cheese pizza. Late at night in San Francisco waiting to see our friend Greg Behrendt’s comedy show. Starving, so bought the slice from a vendor in an alley. Must have been sitting there for over a year. I was too hungry to know that I was eating poison.
Greg was hysterical as usual. Afterward, we were rapping and laughing with Greg, when suddenly I started to feel like I had just drank too much alcohol. That no turning back point. I don’t drink anymore, but I remember that feeling. So, I told Ian that I wasn’t feeling well and we left. From 4AM on through the rest of Sunday I got “sick” over and over again. I haven’t gotten “sick” since I drank, over 16 years ago, so it was surreal. Also, I had a fever with a temperature of 101.7. That’s wicked high, yo.
I didn’t come to work on Monday. I fell in and out of what felt like drug-induced sleep. That feeling of going under anesthesia when you have to count to ten but you only make it to thr… and I would awaken from that sleep all groggy and spaced out.
The only good thing that came out of the poisoning was the instant weight loss. And perfect timing since I’m going to my 20-year high school reunion in three weeks. The only trick will be keeping it off. Oh, and I know how sick that sounded, and I only said out loud what all of you think when you get sick and lose weight as a result. So don’t you sit there and judge me.
I’m back at work today. I still feel feverish and awful but need to get a bit of work done and then I’ll go home.
Oh, by the way. My friend, Tracy, came over Sunday night to take care of me and we watched, the. Worst. Movie. Ever. The Smokers. It was like a soft-core porn movie, without all that…what you call….sex. Bad dialogue, bad direction, bad soundtrack, bad EVERYTHING. At one point this girl gets mad a her date for trying to pick off the sticker from her kamagachi and she says, “What is it with men….they just pick and pick at women.” Hurrr? That was the tasteful intelligent part of the movie. Horrid. It made me sicker. I chanted, “Please baby Jesus ,make it stop.” So the baby Jesus turned off the DVD player. Ahhhhh.
How am I, you ask? Oh, I’m fine. Just a small matter of my TOOTH IS FALLING OUT! Other than that, I’m fine. Tooth is defined as one of the hard bony appendages that are borne on the jaws. Well this hard bony appendage is trying to escape my jaw.
See I’ve been noticing that my gum was receding a bit from one of my big front teeth or technically the upper front central incisor, and I could feel the tooth. Not pain, but I was aware of its presence. Like a slight pressure on the tooth. This morning as I was rigorously brushing my teeth I must have pushed the gum back even further. As I was running my tongue across my smooth clean teeth, I tasted blood. I gently pulled back my lip and to my horror, I see a tiny hole above the tooth. Not a hole in the tooth, a hole in the gum that has receded above the tooth.
As soon as I got to work I called my Periodontist to make an appointment. I’m just so sad. I’ve already had two gum surgeries a few years back and it SUCKED!!! It’s called a gingival graft. They cut skin off the roof of your mouth and sew that skin onto the gum to cover where it’s receding. The skin grows together and voila, you have a new healthy non-receding gum. The skin on the roof of the mouth just grows back lickity split. It’s a freakn’ miracle of the body. The roof of the mouth skin is like the lizard tail that just grows back. I’m an idiot.
The surgery isn’t painful. The shots are a bitch, though. It’s just that you have to have your mouth open for like THREE hours. And although quite fascinating, you can see what the doctor is doing because he’s wearing glasses, so it’s like a mirror. But that gets old and really gross. If you have a strong stomach, here is a picture of the procedure.
Anyway, I made an appointment for Monday morning and then they will surely make an appointment for surgery. Ho Hum. What a drag.
My dreams have been escaping me again. I wake up during a dream and I think that I'll remember it. Then I don't. Some have been pretty weird, too. I remember bits and pieces. Like, sitting on a cushion and saying, "I can read the serial number with my butt. No, really the number is.... " and so on. Just random nonsensical stuff like that. I guess that’s what dreams are though, random nonsensical stuff. But then sometimes they are powerful and meaningful and soothsayeresque. Anyway, I will work harder at remembering my dreams cuz they are WAY more interesting than my day to day BS.
Case in point, my yoga class this morning. Boring, right? Except that my competitive gymnast side came out. It isn’t that I’m competitive with the folks around me, it’s that part of the gymnast in me that pushes myself to perfection. It’s so counter-productive. I haven’t been to yoga in over a year, but I think that I should be able to do every pose perfectly and balance without a problem. I’m pretty sure that yoga is a nurturing practice. I must figure out how to be gentler.
When the instructor tells us to breathe into the pose and tell ourselves how strong and happy we are, my head is saying, “Jesus, why can’t I hold this freakn’ pose. I use to be a gymnast for chrissake. There. There it is. It’s about time, loser.” Yeah, I think I’m going about this all wrong. Ya think?
I will continue to try to nama-stay in class without being so effing hard on myself. Maybe then I will get the true rewards of the yoga practice. Yes, grasshopper, you will.
I am new to ebay. I bid on things and if I win, I’m stoked. If I don’t win, I just blow it off. Don’t really need the stuff, just want it. But as I said, if I win, I am happy and purchase accordingly. On Friday I received an email from the seller of the scarf that I did not win. I repeat did NOT win. At first I thought she was being nice but it quickly turned ugly. Here is what happened.
you were outbid on the Tommy scarf I had on auction.
I have another scarf if you are interested.......
Let me know!!
LaRissa
Can I see a picture? Thanks for letting me know.
Tracy
This is my auction that you bid on............
NWT TOMMY HILFIGER RAINBOW WINTER SCARF OSFA
LaRissa
oh, you mean you have another identical one. thanks for the heads up, but i will go ahead and pass. you are so sweet to think of me.
tracy
I said that I'll sell to you for your bid......... that was two cents over the starting bid...........
Let me know
LaRissa
Actually what you said is,
"you were outbid on the Tommy scarf I had on auction. I have another scarf if you are interested......."
Saying you have "another scarf" led me to believe that you had more than one of the same scarf you had on auction. Sorry for the confusion. I am going to decline your offer. Thank you again for thinking of me.
Tracy
I do have another of the same scarf............
You bid on it............ I assumed you would want it.........for your bid......
Why bid on something if you don't 'really' want it??
LKM
I've tried to be gracious. I don't want the scarf. What and how much I bid on is none of your concern.
Thanks,
Tracy
Please don't waste my time......... & yours...........by bidding on my auctions! It's not a good way to start eBay........
I was being generous by offering you a bargain........ & allowing you to purchase without having to bid......
Good luck finding what you're looking for.......look hard & long......
LKM
Ok, wtf????? Is it just me or was she being…………..vague. And then she was being……………………a bitch. The use of the dots is just so annoying. I wonder if she speaks that way. With huge pauses where they shouldn’t be. Like, “Hi………………………………how are you…………………..and stuff?” THEN, she blocked me from bidding on any of her auctions. I am just so blown away by this freak. I think it’s so interesting that she thought she was clear with her intentions from the beginning. She should be a politician.
First of all, Happy Friday the 13th to all, but especially to Victor Miller. He created Jason and he is also, as luck would have it, my father-in-law. Yay, Victor!
Secondly, I was driving to work this morning and the voices coming from my radio were going on and on about Goat Day, a big celebration that is going on in Millington, Tennessee right now. I just blew it off thinking it was a big morning radio joke. They’ll think of anything to keep me entertained on my drive to work. Oh, my side.
I arrived at work and just out of curiosity went on-line to see if this was a true story. Well, sure enough. Check this shit out. One of the events is “pill flippin.” What is this you ask? Well they take the excrement from the goat, paint it perty colors, and then see who can flip them the furthest. Yee Haw!! By golly, that sounds like FUN!!! Of course I’m kidding. What a bunch of silly southern idiots. I am just appalled at this blatant animal abuse as you can see if you browse the site. And also, this increases my fear of this type of southern folk. I am part southerner, so I’m allowed to make fun. Get a REAL hobby.
Bless their little ‘ol pea pickn’ hearts. That’s southern for, “Holy shit! These people have lost their minds!”
I just went to get help with a project I’m working on. The women in this department flocked around me when I got there. Apparently, they all LOVED my shoes. I have a tattoo on my ankle, so then the discussion went from shoes to, “Oh my! What is that? Did it hurt?” I love that question, did it hurt. No, it felt wonderful! I love that feeling of my flesh being burned and ripped apart. What a dumb question. When I finally got them to focus on the task at hand, we had a funny conversation. We were dealing with a new computer system problem.
Me: This has really been a pain in the (pause) “behind” for me.
Smiling Processor Lady: Girl, I know what word you wanted to say.
Me: So did the Lord.
All: Laugh Laugh.
My father is a preacher and he used to say that all the time. We would say, “gosh darn” and dad would say that the Lord could hear what we really wanted to say. For your reference, god damn was what we REALLY wanted to say. And here I thought we should at LEAST get credit for the inner-edit effort. God dammit!!
So then I went on to inform them of my PK status. For those of you lucky enough not to be anywhere near churches growing up, PK stands for preacher's kid. And let me tell you, we had one hell of a reputation. I'm happy to say that I lived up to it, proudly. These ladies understood the PK reference and they guffawed heartily. So now the tattoo made sense. Clearly I'm a rebel in their eyes now. They became intrigued and asked many questions.
It’s a miracle that we got any work done. I was the entertainment of the day. The freak, you could say. They even thanked me for making them laugh and brightening up the office. A girl could get a big head from hearing this. Luckily, mine is at maximum capacity. On my way out, the Smiling Processor Lady hugged me and said, “I feel like we’ve made a new friend.” Awwww! So sweet. NOW, can I go home?
I went to my happiest of places on Saturday. The Nail Shop. Not only do they pamper me, but for only a fraction of the cost of a fancy salon. Super cheap but really great results. End of commercial.
I was sitting on the pedicure throne when I noticed that it was very likely that I was giving a full on crotch shot to the woman giving me the pedicure. I was wearing one of those jean skirts that have a slit up the front. My crotch was eye-level for her and I thought that I should cover it up. I placed my hands over the top of the skirt slit to reduce the chances of offending her.
When she noticed what I was doing she said that she couldn’t see anything and that it was okay. She went on to say that if it was early in the morning and she saw a vagina, that it would be bad luck. Ok, so she didn’t actually say vagina she just made and obscene gesture with her hands and made a devilish sound that came from her toenails and it sounded something like, HOOOOHHHH. I did the only thing that I could think of or that I was capable of doing faced with this sort of comedy. I laughed. Really hard. This seemed to feed her to keep talking about it. I think she is the comedian among the women there because she is constantly cracking everyone up.
She went on to say that she has a friend who owns a different nail shop. The friend called her this morning to say that she had no business. She was sure that it was because she had seen her daughters HOOOHHH this morning. That put me over the edge. I thought I would never recover.
I wonder if she was telling me the truth or just fucking with the “round eye.” Either way, that was some funny shit.
The other night I dreamt that Ian and I were getting dressed for the evening when Ian passed by me wearing a skirt. The rest of his outfit was completely normal. T-shirt and a pair of black Converse all-stars. The skirt was mid-calf length. The color was cream and the texture was sort of like canvas.
Me: Honey? What are you wearing?
Ian: The man-skirt.
Me: The what? You're kidding, right? You aren't really going to wear that. Are you?
Ian: (indignant) Of course I'm going to wear it. It's the new style. Everyone's wearing the new man-skirt.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. It looks great.
The dream just ended right there. I told Ian about the dream and he thought it was the funniest thing he ever heard and insisted that I write about it. The man-skirt, what will I think of next. My dreams are turning into lost Seinfeld episodes.
Just in case you were wondering? No, not cool. If your hair starts at the crown of your head, no matter how long you grow the back, you will never look cool. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you look foolish. So stop swaggering around and flipping your hair like Cher. Shave that shit.
Yours truly,
A concened citizen
Ok, now on to………………………..BORING DRIVEL:
Of course I must talk about American Idol. Yay, Kelly! I’m so happy that Justin didn’t win. I can’t even begin to tell you. But what was with the whole Up With People show they all put on? It was so so bad that it was good and then went right back to bad. All it did was displayed again how awful they all were compared to Tamyra (you was robbed, girl) and Kelly.
Apparently they are going on tour with this crap. I can see it now………an auditorium full of stupid Christian families. That’s totally what I picture. A big ‘ol Billy Graham crowd.
But my most favorite part of all was at the end during the Miss America group hug. They were all weeping and Kelly couldn’t finish the song and then Nikki tries to help her and the show finishes with the most sour of all sour notes. Thank you, Nikki. You made my night. I laughed and laughed. Priceless.
I've been in a computer class for the past two days. I have to learn a new payroll system for my job. All I can say about the other people in my class is "Oh the humanity!" How do these people hold down jobs? I am by no means computer savvy, and yet I was way ahead of the class the whole time. I kept thinking that these poor fools were never going to be able to go back to their jobs and accurately apply this new information. And this is a payroll system that we were learning. So the implications are enormous.
At one point a group of ladies were talking about me and I overheard.
Me: Are you guys talking about me?
Big boob lady: Oh yes, we were just saying that you are so fast. It must be your age and if you were our age, you wouldn't be able to get this so quickly.
Me: Oh, haha.
I was thinking, "I’m only a few years younger than you, big boob lady. Jeez, it's called common sense. If you need to tell yourself that it's because I'm young and you're old then more power to ya. But we all know it's because you're an idiot." There, I said it. I know it's cruel, but please. Like I said, I'm no computer geek. But I am an impatient arrogant fuck, apparently.
It's always good to go to training classes. You learn so much about yourself.
Thursday, September 26, 2002
